Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Crying Over Spilled Milk (With Coffee)

I am so fortunate to have a loving, patient and giving husband. I have been testing his patience lately I am sure. This weekend I fell UP the stairs for no apparent reason, and then I fell down the stairs too. The same day. For no reason at all. I guess my balance is off. I blame my missing thyroid for this too. I wasn't in a hurry, I wasn't carrying anything, I wasn't on the phone or distracted in any way at all. I just fell. Hard! My lower back hurt so bad that evening, but thankfully the pain has subsided now. Pain does not help with my irritability.

Each morning, my lovely husband wakes me up with coffee just the way I like it and a sweet kiss. It is my favorite part of the day. Not the waking part, but the love part. :) He doesn't mind that I have morning breath or bed head. This morning was no different than any other morning. "Good morning Love", smoochie smoochie. So, I sit up and take those first precious sips. I hear my husband leave the house for work. Ahhh, coffee. It usually is a great way to start the day. This morning something bad happened. Normally it would just be an annoyance, but today I couldn't handle it. I get occassional weakness in my arms these days. I think that must be what happened. My very full coffee mug fell out of my hand. I just lost my grip for no reason at all. My coffee went all over. The wall, the lamp, my sheets, the floor, and the worst- my cell phone. I absolutely LOST IT! I immediately started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. Not even long enough to take a shower. Time started to run out on me. So, I called my husband, eager to hear his calming reassuring voice. As he was talking to me, I realized that I was behaving like a five year old girl who broke something of Mommy's. This realization did not halt the crying, it only made it worse. I still don't know how I managed to get ready for work and get there, but I did. Somehow. My cell phone has everything in it. My Outlook calendar reminds me of things I would forget (which is everything these days). So now, my phone doesn't work. Now what was holding me together is not working. I am lost yet again!

I have lost myself! I don't recognize the woman in the mirror. The VERY heavy woman with dark circles under her eyes. The woman that rarely smiles, and snaps at everyone. The woman whose clothes don't fit anymore. The woman who is SO tired that she sometimes doesn't care what she looks like, even when going to work. The woman who has no motivation, no spirit, no life, no energy, no control over emotions, no memory, no concentration, no stamina.... and no joy! Who is this person? A month ago she was stressed about her upcoming thyroidectomy and the possible big "C". But at least I knew who she was. She was recognizable. That was me. Who is this woman now? She is 10 lbs heavier and looks and feels like all joy and energy and life has just been sucked out of her. I should be joyous. The tumor was benign. I am healing. My neck hardly hurts at all anymore and life can go on. But it's not.

I know that my missing dear thyroid is why I am not me. I had blood tests last week. So, I called my doctor to check on it. My meds take a while to be effective. Which means, even after I get my dose adjusted I have more waiting. I had to leave a message for her nurse. I am sure that I sounded like a lunatic. "Help! I am not well. Please hurry and adjust my meds."

My husband misses his wife, my 4 boys miss their mom, my employer misses their competent employee, and I MISS ME. Please help me find her!


Anonymous said...

Hello. I just wanted to say thank you SO much for this post. I recently had 2 surgeries to remove my thyroid; they found a little bit of cancer in one side. I am slowly getting better, but it has been a struggle. After my most recent "crying on the couch for no reason" incident, I googled crying and thyroid and your blog popped up. What you described is EXACTLY how I have been feeling! Not recognizing myself, feeling no joy in anything, tired and anxious all the time. It was so relieving to see that someone else had gone through the same thing. It was so good to see that I am not the only one who has felt like this. I truly, truly hope that you are doing better and that things have improved, and again, thank you so much for your post! It really helped me.

Pattiecake said...

I am glad to hear that! Things have gotten better, much better. I am resigned to the fact that things will never be the same. I pay attention to my body now in a was I never did before. I have also finally learned to trust my instincts. If I think something is "off", I know I will worry about it incessantly until I know, so I just call my doctor and set up an appointment. Good luck to you too!