It's Happening Again

It's happening again! I have gained 8 pounds since October. I'm tired--- All. The. Time. My skin and scalp are really dry. I can't sleep.  I have acne like I did when I was 16 years old. I knew I needed some help.

I was actually excited for my appointment. My regular NP at the Endocrinologist office left, so I had been assigned someone new. I really liked my last NP (Amy) but I was sure to like to the new one too. I visited the vampire like I usually do, and two weeks later was my appointment. I hoped to finally start to get some relief from these symptoms. The new NP (Jean) said hello, and took me to the dreaded scale. It was horrifying. I was 204 pounds. I haven't been this heavy in years! Next, Jean checked my blood pressure. It was at a really healthy level. Something like 120/60. Then Jean quickly, and I mean quickly, scanned my history. She checked my test results. This time my blood work isn't reflective of my symptoms. She said my TSH was still low but she didn't want to decrease (!!!!!!) my Synthroid intake just yet. I am at 175 mcg right now. She didn't ask any questions. I told her that I was tired all the time, had gained weight, dry scalp and dry hair. Since she wasn't adjusting my thyroid replacement hormone, I had hoped she might have some other suggestions. I was wrong! She never listened to my heart. She never felt my neck. Never asked me any questions. The entire appointment took maybe 7 minutes. My co-pay is $30 but I know the cost of that appointment was somewhere at $180 or so. For 7 minutes of terrible service. I called the doctor in charge and left a message. I got a call back the next day from the receptionist stating they had switched me from Jean back to the doctor (Susan). My next appointment is at the end of April. Some solution.

So here I am. Watching powerlessly as my body repeats itself. I'm feeling helpless. What can you do when your blood tests don't reveal the stress and symptoms your body exhibits?  Not much apparently. You just have to wait until April when your doctor can fit you in again.

Trotting my way to a new and fabulous PR

November 24, 2011

I woke up early today to put the ham in the oven and prepare my last pie for our Thanksgiving Feast. I also had my Pikes Peak YMCA Turkey Trot 5k race. I say my race because I killed it today! As soon as me, Patrick, and our fan club pulled into the parking lot, I saw that this was a much larger race than I expected. My October 5k, the Creepy Crawl had a comfortable 300 runners or so.

My goal for today was to improve my last 5k time of 44:25 by one minute, which was the fastest I have ever been. I realize that my “fast” time would be disappointing to many but it is exhilarating for me to know how far I have come. As we walked to registration, I was happy to see what appears to be a wide variety of runners; young girls and boys with their families, young adults, parents, and several grandparents too. Many families were running this race together, so I decided right then to drag my entire crew here next year.

I read on the race website that they would have chip timing at this race. What that was, I had no idea, but I found out it is a wonderful invention. After I stood in line for at least 10 minutes, we were given our race shirt, goodie bag, and a square piece of plastic with four small holes in the corner. I shyly ask what the square was for and was told this was my chip, an electronic device that records my start and finish time exactly when I cross the line. The holes were to zip tie the chip to my shoe.

There were nearly 3,000 runners at this race, so we were told to line up where our pace marker was. I found the seven minute mile pace marker, then the eight, and kept walking farther away from the start line. I finally saw the ten minute marker, expecting to see my marker of 11 minutes, but right after ten was a marker for “walkers.” Ugh, I felt my stomach drop. I run so slow that I am in the same wave as the walkers. So I decide to stand just between the 10 minute and the walker marker.

When the air horn went off, I was suddenly clausterphobic. People were everywhere and some as close as my elbows. Thankfully as we crossed the start line, we were able to spread out some. Although the day started out to be a chilly 35 degrees, it was a beautiful sunny day. I had started my own stop watch and was surprised to see my time at 14 mintes at the half way point. My race was going very well. Feeling a little tired at mile two, I walked for a minute to catch my breath.

This route had more hills than I was used to. At last, I see the finish line and the clock reads 40 and counting. This was a fabulous time for me and my adrenline kicked in. I booked the last one quarter mile and was smiling at my family and pleased with my time of nearly 41 minutes as I crossed the finish line. I talked with my father, who is also a runner,  and he encouraged me and said that with just a little more training he thought I could break 40 minutes in my next race.

After gathering our free food and drinks, we made our way home to check on the ham. Just before we left for dinner at my sister’s house, I checked the YMCA website and find out my placing. I was schocked at how much more accurate the chip timing was. My actual chip time was 39:48. I did it! I was under 40 minutes AND got a PR (Personal Record) that knocked 4:37 off! So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a number of things: my family, my job, my opportunies, and my health. The rest of the day was a blur for me because I kept pinching myself, expecting to wake up from my dream of shattering my PR.

An Inspiring Friend

November 8, 2011

I have talked about Carla is several of my blog posts, so I think that I need to really introduce all my readers to her. She has her own blog as well. You can read her blog at http://onmywaycarla.blogspot.com. She actually started her New Year’s Resolution in January. Her lofty goal is to lose 100 pounds in one year.

Carla will tell you that she got sick of being the “fat girl” all her life and that she really wants to become a mom. As the year is coming to a close, I want to tell all my readers about the inspiration that Carla has become. So far, Carla has lost a whopping 83 pounds.

She did not have a nutritionist and she only used a trainer for a short time. Carla tried several different things to see what worked for her; lifting weights, Biggest Loser on the Wii, using a trainer, strict dieting, hiking, zumba, and running. As you may have guessed from my previous entries, running was one of the things that work for her. She has become one of my running buddies. She also began running in May, so it has been really great having someone to talk with and keep me on track.

Carla is bigger than me, currently by about 30 pounds or so, but she has ALWAYS been faster than me. She has been so motivated and dedicated to her weight loss and goals that she has become an inspiration to me.

It must have been very difficult for her to take this leap toward better health. She has tales of horrible things strangers have said to her, but she chose to use their unkind words to strengthen her resolve. Thankfully she has also heard many uplifting words and has great support from her husband, friends, and family. The best thing about Carla’s weight loss so far? Her doctor has giver her the go ahead to conceive. My amazing friend will one day get to be an amazing mother.

Cooler Weather Slows Motivation

October 14, 2011

          As the weather gets a little cooler and snow is impending, I must find a way to stay motivated. I absolutely hate running on the “dread-mill” and really want to be able to run outside year round. I know that there will be some days with ice that could make it dangerous and will force me into the gym, but I love the feel of running outside. The breeze in your face, the different smells in the air, and knowing you are covering ACTUAL distance is helpful.

Who wants to layer up and run in the snow? I’m not sure that I am there yet and I really want to recapture the feelings I had last month about being involved in the Dirty Girl Mud Run. So, I have decided that I will find a 5k every month to run in. This will motivate me to train, help a charity each month, and I get an awesome shirt that yells out “runner” to everyone I see when I wear it.

I have chosen some fun runs that are still timed, so I can still set some goals. My next race is on Oct. 29 and is called the Creepy Crawl. I get to run in my Halloween costume. After that, I have the Turkey Trot on Nov. 24 before I gorge myself like every American does on Thansgiving Day. To finish out the year I have the Jingle Bell on Dec. 10. Costumes are encouraged in this race too, but somehow I don’t see myself running with any of the following on: bells, beard, or elf ears.

Each of these races benefit a specific area’s YMCA, a great organization that helps many. I will add pictures after each race.

Creepy Crawl (Iwas Coach Sue from Glee)

Turkey Trot 5k

Jingle Bell 5k

Inspiration is Every Where

October 10, 2011

            I’ve mentioned before how important getting support has been in my running journey. My husband is encouraging and never complains about my already limited time being used for running or about the cost of building up my stock of running gear. I get great compliments and encouragement online from friends and family, both near and far. Once a month, I get a new issue of Runners World, which is full of inspiration.

On the Daily Mile website, I get to track my total distance, hours, TV’s powered, donuts burned, gas saved, and number of times around the world (0 for me thus far). My newest inspiration comes from a FaceBook group page called I <3 about="about" advice="advice" and="and" gear="gear" inspirational="inspirational" o:p="o:p" on="on" people="people" post="post" questions="questions" run.="run." stories.="stories." to="to" training="training">

I am looking forward to losing a toenail from so much running and I know one day my schedule will allow it. Crazy and gross, I know, but to a runner it means that you have reached a level of miles that has a very strong physical impact. One of my favorite things on this Facebook group page though, is the cool photos that people post. Some are funny, some inspirational, but all are impactful. I have posted a few of my favorites below. Enjoy them and as you are looking, think about how much you want to run now.

A Dirty Girl and Proud Of It

September 24, 2011

           Today is my first “real” race. I registered for the Dirty Girl Mud Run a few months ago, knowing that I would never back out once I paid my $65 registration fee. According to the website www.godirtygirl.com, the run is a female-only, 5K mud run designed for women of all fitness levels.

The 11 military-inspired obstacles are fun and unique but with just enough hell to keep your palms a bit sweaty. And the entire event is designed to be organic and eco-friendly. In fact, many of the obstacles will be recycled back into the earth. A portion of the proceeds go to breast caner research, so I feel good about that too.

Choosing my first 5k to be a non-competetive and untimed race was VERY intentional. I wanted my first big race experience to be fun. So, what better way than to roll around in the mud with some friends? Again, my incredible family came out to support me and the team; my parents, both my sisters, and their husbands and kids. I felt like I had a huge fan club.

A few weeks ago I was able to run my first 5k distance. I felt prepared and SO excited for this run. I could hardly stand the excitement and was like a child and unable to sleep.

The route was muddy (obviously), my knees and palms are skinned, I had mud in places it should never be. But I feel a contentment that I have rarely experienced in my adult life.

It took us about an hour and 15 minutes to complete the course leasurely. Strangers were cheering us on throughout. Girls and women of all ages were encouraging everyone, teammates or not. It was an incredible experience and I am so pumped up about running! I think I’ll go ahead and run tomorrow and forget my “rest” day.

                                      

 Team Down and Dirty Dames                                    A perfect shot of me getting “dirty”

                                              

                                           

                                            

                                         Delicious Sangrias awaited us at the finish line

Finally a Real Runner

August 12, 2011

          Today, I DID IT!!!! I am finally a runner. I ran my entire route this morning without walking or stopping even once. It has taken me a while to get here, but I made it. Woot woot! I am so excited and I feel like I can finally call myself a runner.

Even though I move at a snail’s pace and I think walkers could probably pass me, I feel great about this! I still have terrible form and sort of shuffle rather than run, but I am getting better and FINALLY starting to lose weight. Just 8 lbs, but losing 8 lbs has never felt so gratifying to me.

So, as a reward for becoming a runner and for losing 8 lbs, I am subscribing to Runner’s World magazine. I love that this magazine does not cater to only one type of runner. I think both beginners and experts can learn something from every issue. They have information on gear, techniques, diets, stories, race info, and all kinds of fun stuff! I can hardly wait to get my first issue with my name on it. I think maybe I’ll tell them my middle name is “a runner” so that it gets printed on the label. Think they’d mind?

My First Race

July 14, 2011

            I found a very non-competitive and short 2k race that is also inexpensive on the City of Colorado Springs website. Patrick, a friend, and I are going to run the next few of these races, called the 2k/5k Doggie Dash.

The first race was tonight. My friend Carla is an inspiration and dedicated to improving her health, plus she is also a beginning runner. I was very glad to have another newbie with me.

We checked in at the Memorial Park Recreaction Center and our race number was written on our hands. That is when I started feeling sick to my stomach with nerves. I knew I was going to throw up any minute!

My husband and my stepson Cody were able to come to watch and support us. Carla’s husband, mom and grandmother also came. It was a big night for both of us!

As we were lining up at the start line, my guts were churning as I tried to concentrate on the procedures we were to follow.

Everyone but Carla, Patrick, and I chose to run a 5k, including all the younger kids. The loop was a 1k, so all I had to do was run in a circle twice. Luckily, I could not get lost if I tried. I still had to walk part of the race, but I was so proud when I finished with my measly time of about 16 minutes (12:37 pace), and best of all-I did NOT throw up. I wonder if I can officially call myself a runner yet?

                                     Pre-Race-That is the three of us on the right

                                      Me sucking air at the finish line

Wanted: Encouragement

June 29, 2011

           After my first and traumatic experience trying to be a runner, I thought that I would quit. I have limped around for about 2 weeks with my ankle hurting worse than my knee, go figure! But people asked me why I was limping, and I found that I was proud to say that I injured myself running. Ordinarily clumsiness would not be a virtue, but the fact that I was able to tell people I had begun running made it worth it.

So on May 25, I was back at it, but this time on a track. Generally, tracks are pretty safe. There are no potholes, tree roots, or dogs jumping in front of you, and best of all it is flat.

The junior high school my son goes to is about a half mile away; I think. So I have been using the walk to and from the track as a warm up and cool down. I am still walking some, but I run a little more each day. My total distance on the track is 1.25 miles. Not impressive at all, especially since part of that is walking. But I am getting better.

My stepson Patrick likes to go running with me. I shouldn’t be happy about this, but the first time he went running with me, he worked so hard trying to keep up that he made himself throw up. Yes, I have been run/walking for about a month now, but I assumed that his age alone would make him a better runner.

I am going to enjoy this short-lived pleasure because I know he will be lapping me very soon, so don’t judge. I found a great website that helps me keep track of my progress- www.dailymile.com. I can log in my distance, time, route, and how I felt and I’ve set it to automatically update to Facebook. I realize I am blowing up some of my friend’s newsfeeds, but the comments and suggestions I get are so valuable to me.

I have even made a new online friend, Melisssa. She lives in Columbus, Ohio. Melissa just saw my profile on the website and asked to become my friend. She continously gives me and many others across the country positive feedback. I hope to be befriend others and give them the same encouragement as she does.

Becoming a Runner?

May 9, 2011

Like millions of other Americans, I made a New Year’s resolution to be more fit in 2011, I’m just late. The hard thing about fitness resolutions is that they start in January, one of the coldest and snowiest months in Colorado. The gym is intimidating; it is full of fit people who know how all the equipment works, have all the right gear, and they look good doing it. They usually don’t even sweat.

I have given up on losing weight; I am just not very disciplined. But I do want to be fit, and I always admire the runners I drive by. Plus there are plenty of races that give shirts for swag.

I read an article on the Women’s Health website about how to become a runner in six weeks. The plan is very specific and gradually increases the amount of running vs. walking. The first two weeks, you walk the first 16 minutes, alternate running for a minute and walking for a minute for the next 6 minutes, and then you walk the remaining 8 minutes. It seemed easy enough.

So, last night I went to bed early and set my alarm clock for 5 a.m. The shocking thing is that I actually got up when the alarm jarred me awake. I got dressed, leashed the dog for company, and off I went. Walking the first 16 minutes was great. My black lab got used to the pace, and we both enjoyed the cool morning air.

When it was time for me to run, I took a deep breath, gathered my courage and set off. The first two intervals went well. I was thinking: hey, I CAN do this….then came the third and final run/walk interval. By this time, I had turned around and began heading back toward my house on the surrounding streets. A few cars were passing me, so I had to be more careful with the dog.

At the beginning of my final interval, something happened. I’d like to blame the dog and I guess it could be her fault, but I think it was mostly my inexperience. I tripped on something; a pothole, my own feet, the dog, her leash, something, and fell on my knees on the pavement. I managed to avoid a face plant, but my palms were scraped and I fell hard enough to tear a big hole in the knee of my pants.

I started crying and working myself up, so that soon I was gasping for breath as I lay in the middle of the road. When a car came close, I made myself calm down and scooted to the sidewalk to see what the damage was. Yep, my knee was pretty jacked up and my other ankle hurt when I twisted it and fell. Sorry if my picture grosses you out. I just wanted to share my pain.

My poor dog was waiting patiently for me to recover. So, I limped the rest of the way home, with tears streaming down my face. My husband was already at work, so I had no one to baby me, which was a probably a good thing. I emailed my boss to let her know I would be late, cleaned up, and slowly got ready for work. As I limp through the office, I doubt that I will ever succeed as a runner. Apparently it requires grace that I do not have.

Cha, Cha, Cha, Changes

Last fall I took a journalism that included an assignment to write for a blog. As a beginning runner, I chose that topic. I found a revived love for blogging with that assignment. Although my assignment included "fake" blog entries at the time, they are true to my heart. As I am changing my blog to now include my running stories, I have also changed the name to "Running from a butterly".  My next several blog posts will include some of my running stories. The dates may not be perfectly accurate, but the stories are true. I hope you enjoy them.

The Return

2 years and Six Months Post Total Thyroidectomy

I have not posted on my blog for a very long time. Over two years now. I want to catch up, but I am not really sure where to start. My sister has a friend that was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer. When she told me this, it brought back a lot of memories for me. My tumor was found to be benign, but I remember the agony and worry of waiting to hear that fabulous word. It made me read my blog again, and I found that I missed it. For those of you out there, facing a thyroidectomy, I know you have been searching for a similar story, or pictures of scars, or resources. It has been 2 years and 6 months (tomorrow) that I had my butterfly (thyroid) removed. It has been a roller coaster, but I think that maybe I have finally gotten off the ride. However, there are new hiccups.

In January, my employer changed insurance companies. Anyone with a chronic disease will tell you that a new insurance carrier can be scary. For the most part, the changes have been good. There is a higher deductible now, but covered services are paid at 90%!!!! That alone is pretty incredble. The only snag that I have found so far is the increased cost of my medication. My last insurance plan paid for 3 months of Levoxyl at a time and only cost me a copay of $20 total. My new insurance plan only pays for 1 month at a time and my copay for that one month is $20! So, I now have to pay triple the cost. For some people, this might not seem like a big deal. However, you must remember that this is only one of several prescriptions that I will be taking for the rest of my life.

At my last check up in April, I asked my endocrinologist  if I could switch to a generic formula. However, being the good doctor that she is, she said that she truly believes that there is a HUGE difference with thyroid replacement brands vs. generics. I was very disappointed, but I have to admit I was glad she was doing what she felt was right. She excused herself for a moment and returned with great news. She compared the active ingredients of Levoxyl to Snythroid and found the differences to be slight enough that she was comfortable with it. She offered to try changing brands for me from Levoxyl to Snythroid. The reason she did this? She was able to provide me SIX MONTHS of free trial pills in my prescription level. How cool is that?

I am now on Snythroid 137 and I can't really tell a difference. I go for my next check up in October, when they will do all my usual blood tests: T3, T4, TSH, Calcium, Vitamin D, etc. and see how my body likes the new drug. I really really hope my body cooperates with this. I am not sure how my pocketbook will hold up otherwise.

I am bad at math, so please forgive me if my calculations are wrong, but this is what I figure: My prescription increase is $160 more per year. Assuming a miracle happens and that price does not go up ever (yeah, right) and I live to be 86 years old, my total additional cost for this one drug is $4,800. But I have to assume the cost will rise and that I will need additional prescriptions as I age. I also have to assume that at some point I will not be able to work and my income will be very limited. It's an alarming thought.

BODY: Pretty pretty please like this new drug. I have been nice to you, especially these last 2 years. I eat healthy and exercise regularly. I don't smoke and drink only a little. So, please pay me back for all my good deeds. Thank you!

A Hunka' Hunka' Burnin' Scar

Here is a picture of my neck 15 weeks post op. It still hurts sometimes. It reminds me that I will never be whole again.


I am definitely a pale face. I have lots of freckles (less than I did as a child though), blue eyes, and reddish brown hair. A lot of peopl say I'm a "Ginger". I rarely tan, I generally just burn if I am careless or foolish with the sun. So I keep sunscreen in my purse, in my car, in my husband's car, and always at home too. If you need sunscreen I usually have some.

Colorado is a great place to live. Particularly Colorado Springs. We don't have the smog and traffic and Cost of Living of Denver, but it's close enough to enjoy still. We don't have the heat and desolation and dessert conditions of Pueblo, but can still enjoy the reservoir whenever we want. Colorado Springs has lots of sunshine throughout the year, but it usually is still comfortable.

This weekend was very hot. My youngest son Noah had a soccer tournament and soccer fields are not known for their shady trees. So, I slathered on the sunscreen on Saturday two times (he had two games) and although I felt like I was baking, I was so proud of myself for not getting sunburned. Yea me! On Sunday, he had to be at the field at 7:15 a.m. for an 8:00 a.m. game. I was very sweaty the day before, so I made sure to wear cool clothes on Sunday. However, it was actually a little chilly in the morning. The wind made it cool and the clouds blocked out the sun every now and again. Some people were actually covered with blankets. Noah had to be back to the field at 1:45 p.m. for his final game. So, I slathered up again. Somehow I got burned during his last game. It was hot, so maybe I sweat off my sweat-proof sunscreen? Who knows, but not my scar is burned and I am all worried. What happens if you get a sunburn on a fresh scar? My surgeon warned me to keep sunscreen on it and/or out of the sun for ONE YEAR! Oops, it's only been about four months.  Guess I will find out soon enough.

By the way, today's high might set a record at 96 degrees.

Cautiously Hopeful

I have started to see a very, very tiny light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am having more good days than bad. I have even lost some of the weight I gained recently. I am becoming cautiously hopeful that I am on the right path to recovery and "normalcy", whatever that is. I still get a little grumpy and irritable some days, but maybe THAT is normal? Who knows? I used to know my body. I was knowledgeable about what was really me and what was a symptom. Then I blamed every...single...negative... issue on my thyroid. Now, I just don't know. But I do see a very tiny flicker in the darkness. I can't tell how far away it is, but the road doesn't seem quite as scary as it used to. Below is a picture of my incision at week 11 post-op. Doesn't look much different really. I still have the irritated dry skin underneath. The funny thing about all of this is that I don't mind it most times. I usually wear it like a badge of courage   reason. I hope that it explains my sometimes erratic behaviour, my weight gain, my mood swings, and the other underlying problems. Yep, I usually like to show it. Crazy, huh?

Already?

Over the last few days, I have gradually been feeling more tired. Last night I really had trouble sleeping and woke up at 2, 3, 4, 5, and 5:20! So, now I am worried that my feeling better (a little) was only temporary. I am starting to feel sad again, irritable, tired, and unfocused. Grrr, I had hope that I was still on the "up" side of my roller coaster. Here is a look at my incision at 7 weeks post op.

It's going to be a long road--I know this. That doesn't make me any less impatient or grumpy about it all. I have gained 15 pounds in six weeks. At this rate, I will be 300 pounds by May of next year. No, I'm not pregnant I am just getting to be VERY fat! I won't lie and say that I work out and carefully eat ONLY healthy foods. I don't work out, but I am active. Even though I am exhausted much of the time, I rarely nap or lounge on the couch watching TV. I have four children and I also work full time. So, that means lots of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taxi-ing the boys. So I won't say that I am sedentary either. As far as diet goes, I could be worse. I don't eat sweets or desserts often and I try to stick to whole grain or wheat grains only. I do eat at least two or three pieces of fruit everyday. But I am tired all the time, which leads to convenient and not smart choices for breakfast and lunch sometimes. I know this, but again, I could be a lot worse. So, how on earth am I gaining weight so fast? I know my thyroid is gone and it is probably to blame but that doesn't make me feel any better! I am now a wonderful size 18 and am heavier that I have ever been in my life (even more than while pregnant). How fun! I don't have a lot of money right now, but I cannot resist the urge to buy new clothes that fit. Clothes that don't strain when I try to zip. Clothes that might flatter my body more. I look for sales, but if it makes me more confident, I want it even if it is full price.

So, with this rapid weight gain, where is my motivation? I have NONE. If it is my lack of thyroid causing this, then what is the point of dragging my exhausted, busy body to the gym? Or finding the strength to resist fried foods or snacks around the office?

My lack of self-confidence effects nearly every facet of my life. I sometimes wish winter would have stayed longer so that I could wear baggy coats to cover me up when I go to my son's soccer games. I hate walking in front of people, even at church! I would rather sit in the last row, with a bad view and lots of distraction than letting my friends see my rear on the way toward the front. I hate walking around at work and wish I could just sit behind my desk, waiting on employees to come see me.

As Resurrection Sunday was just yesterday, this reflecting does nothing except make me feel guilty. MY JESUS was sent to earth by MY GOD to save me. To save me at 145 pounds or 300 pounds. What is wrong with this picture??? Why am I not feeling more grateful and blessed?

Evidence To Back Me Up

Our I.T. Department was kind enough to clean and dry out my cell phone, so I have my mind back a little. I am just feeling so poorly most of the time. The mornings are usually ok, but after lunch- watch out! I called my doctor's nurse again yesterday afternoon. She told me I still need all the Vitamin D and Calcium I am taking, which stinks. More pills. She also told me my TSH was 15.8!!! Wow, now that is some evidence to back me up a little. I am NOT crazy, I am just imbalanced.

Here's a little anatomy lesson from http://www.endocrineweb.com/: The thyroid gland is controlled by the pituitary gland. When the level of thyroid hormones (T3 & T4) drops too low, the pituitary gland produces Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) which stimulates the thyroid gland to produce more hormones. The pituitary gland itself is regulated by another gland, known as the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is part of the brain and produces TSH Releasing Hormone (TRH) which tells the pituitary gland to stimulate the thyroid gland (release TSH).

The so called "normal" TSH is said to be between 0-3, but this is still debated in the medical community. If the TSH is a high #, then the thyroid is not responding to it's commands and is not producing the appropriate hormones. Obviously, I have no thyroid now, so I expected to see some high numbers. In January, my TSH was less than 1, and I felt pretty good. I was taking 100mcg of Levoxyl daily to replace the deficient hormones. Yesterday, my doctor upped my dosage to a mere 150 mcg. I know I am complaining, but I figure it should at least be doubled. If I have 15x's higher TSH, I would think doubling my dose would not be overkill. I haven't had this doctor for very long, so I am trying hard to trust her judgement. Some typical symptoms of overmedication of levothyroxine include: anxiety, difficulty sleeping, elevated pulse, weight loss (or in some cases, weight gain), diarrhea, muscle aches and weakness, hair loss, fatigue, exhaustion, irrtations or sensitivity in eyes or neck area, among others. Since I am already having many of these symptoms, I am willing to take the risk, but I must yield to my doctor's judgement. We can argue about this later.

I hope to feel the effects of my increased dose in a couple of weeks. I know that the full effect could take 6-8 weeks, but surely I will tell some difference in 2 weeks. It was only about 2 weeks after surgery that I was feeling some symptoms of a low dose. It is hard to differenciate between surgery fatigue and low tyhroid fatigue initially. I guess only time will tell.

Crying Over Spilled Milk (With Coffee)

I am so fortunate to have a loving, patient and giving husband. I have been testing his patience lately I am sure. This weekend I fell UP the stairs for no apparent reason, and then I fell down the stairs too. The same day. For no reason at all. I guess my balance is off. I blame my missing thyroid for this too. I wasn't in a hurry, I wasn't carrying anything, I wasn't on the phone or distracted in any way at all. I just fell. Hard! My lower back hurt so bad that evening, but thankfully the pain has subsided now. Pain does not help with my irritability.

Each morning, my lovely husband wakes me up with coffee just the way I like it and a sweet kiss. It is my favorite part of the day. Not the waking part, but the love part. :) He doesn't mind that I have morning breath or bed head. This morning was no different than any other morning. "Good morning Love", smoochie smoochie. So, I sit up and take those first precious sips. I hear my husband leave the house for work. Ahhh, coffee. It usually is a great way to start the day. This morning something bad happened. Normally it would just be an annoyance, but today I couldn't handle it. I get occassional weakness in my arms these days. I think that must be what happened. My very full coffee mug fell out of my hand. I just lost my grip for no reason at all. My coffee went all over. The wall, the lamp, my sheets, the floor, and the worst- my cell phone. I absolutely LOST IT! I immediately started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. Not even long enough to take a shower. Time started to run out on me. So, I called my husband, eager to hear his calming reassuring voice. As he was talking to me, I realized that I was behaving like a five year old girl who broke something of Mommy's. This realization did not halt the crying, it only made it worse. I still don't know how I managed to get ready for work and get there, but I did. Somehow. My cell phone has everything in it. My Outlook calendar reminds me of things I would forget (which is everything these days). So now, my phone doesn't work. Now what was holding me together is not working. I am lost yet again!

I have lost myself! I don't recognize the woman in the mirror. The VERY heavy woman with dark circles under her eyes. The woman that rarely smiles, and snaps at everyone. The woman whose clothes don't fit anymore. The woman who is SO tired that she sometimes doesn't care what she looks like, even when going to work. The woman who has no motivation, no spirit, no life, no energy, no control over emotions, no memory, no concentration, no stamina.... and no joy! Who is this person? A month ago she was stressed about her upcoming thyroidectomy and the possible big "C". But at least I knew who she was. She was recognizable. That was me. Who is this woman now? She is 10 lbs heavier and looks and feels like all joy and energy and life has just been sucked out of her. I should be joyous. The tumor was benign. I am healing. My neck hardly hurts at all anymore and life can go on. But it's not.

I know that my missing dear thyroid is why I am not me. I had blood tests last week. So, I called my doctor to check on it. My meds take a while to be effective. Which means, even after I get my dose adjusted I have more waiting. I had to leave a message for her nurse. I am sure that I sounded like a lunatic. "Help! I am not well. Please hurry and adjust my meds."

My husband misses his wife, my 4 boys miss their mom, my employer misses their competent employee, and I MISS ME. Please help me find her!

The Blame Game

I don't know about you, but information to me can sometimes be dangerous. Over the least several years, I have read a lot about Hypothyroidism online. I could tell that some of the sites were not good resources, so I tried to discard that. Hypothyroidism is a chronic disease. Even without a thyroid now, I am still considered hypo. So here are what I know my symptoms are for sure, at least for today. They seem to change frequently:

• Dry skin
• Fatigue
• Difficulty sleeping
• Depression (not always)
• Weight that just won't leave
• Brittle nails
• Brain Fog/Memory Loss
• Irritabilty
• Diffulty regulating body temperature

The Thyroid controls SO many functions of the body, that when things go awry, I always blame it. Some other symptoms that I could have include:

• Weakness
• Increased difficulty losing weight
• Coarse, dry hair
• Dry, rough pale skin
• Hair loss
• Cold intolerance (you can't tolerate cold temperatures like those around you)
• Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
• Constipation
• Irritability
• Memory loss
• Abnormal menstrual cycles
• Decreased libido

Can you see why I always blame my thyroid? It's really hard to know if there is something wrong with me. I can almost always chalk up my symptom to the thyroid. I have recently had a lot of pain in my lower back, nearly at my tail bone. At first I just assumed that it was because I was not very mobile in the weeks following my surgery. But then it got worse, much more painful than my surgery. So I finally went and had it checked. It was a pinched ciatic nerve. Apparently this is fairly common for people who have longer surgeries. Mine was nearly five hours. Dr. Arguello did say that they had to "beat me up" during surgery to get all the tumor out. Oh what fun! I get to do some exciting exercises every night. The good news is that I should feel much better in a few weeks. Now I have 2 additional pills to add three times a day to my current pharmacy. I do not know what I would do without quality insurance. I am very blessed with my job and benefits.

My New Favorite Word- BENIGN

I should have updated my blog much sooner, but I've been busy--- celebrating! Yes, the pathology results are in and are benign. Whew. When I sat down for my appointment, Dr. Arguello starting saying lots of big medical words- hurtle cells, neoplasm, parathyroid, follicular, etc. Blah blah blah! It was like listening to the teacher on the Peanuts cartoon. I am usually focused at my medical appointments but I seemed to be in a fog, listening for only two words- benign and malignant. Finally, I just interupted and asked what it was. Yes, it was benign!!! Woo hoo! I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. After that I was able to pay attention and found out that the tumor was much bigger than he anticipated, it was actually 4.2 cm instead of the ultrasound diagnosis of 3.6 cm. He said that it was everywhere! He even had to scrape it from the base of my tongue. So, it is reasonable that I am still so sore. For right now, Dr. Arguello doesn't think the radioactive iodine is necessary. We will just follow up with another ultrasound soon. He ripped off the steri-strips and was pleased with the way the incision looks. He told me I could go back to work the following week and I could drive again immediately. Yeah!

So, I went back to work a couple of days ago. My head feels very heavy at the end of the day. I wonder how much my head really weighs? It is SO hard to be back and try to focus and remain upright for 8+ hours. I went home early on Monday and Tuesday and I think I will just plan on doing the same for the rest of the week. I forgot to mention that soon after surgery I had some twitchig in my lips and arms and fingers. This was due to a calcium deficiency. So, I am taking lots of Tums right now. This is in addition to the other meds I am on. I used to hate taking anything and rarely even had a Tylenol for a headache. Now I take 50,000 units per week of Vitamin D, and 3,000 mg of Tums (calcium), my Levoxyl (which hasn't been adjusted since surgery), and my generic Yasmin. I have also been eating ibuprofen like candy for the pain because I hate the way the Ultram makes me feel so jittery and restless. I am still not sleeping well, but I also have some new pain in my lower back, so who knows what the cause of that is.

I am starting to get concerned about the incision though. I still have irritated skin beneath the incision and the incision looks too red to me. It is exactly the same length so I don't think it was the adhesive. I will call Dr. Arguello's office if it doesn't go away soon. Prior to my surgery, I scoured the internet searching for pictures of the other people's incisions. So, below is a picture of my neck 19 days after surgery.

I will see my endocrinologist, Dr. Henley next week. I am sure she will order at least a TSH because I am still taking just 100mcg of Levoxyl. I already have an order for a calcium test from Dr. Arguello, but I have been procrastinating. I foresee lots and lots of appointments in my future and I guess I am just stalling. I'm afraid that the calcium has not leveled off and that I will be eating Tums forever in addition to everything else. I guess I won't know until I get the test done, so I might as well do it, huh? I know it could be worse, but I used to depend on my body. I used to trust that it had everything that it needed. I am pretty active and generally eat healthy foods, so it is frustrating that I need so many pills to make my body do what it needs to! Guess I should get used to all this. After all, I am only 33 and have lots of time left to live!