It's going to be a long road--I know this. That doesn't make me any less impatient or grumpy about it all. I have gained 15 pounds in six weeks. At this rate, I will be 300 pounds by May of next year. No, I'm not pregnant I am just getting to be VERY fat! I won't lie and say that I work out and carefully eat ONLY healthy foods. I don't work out, but I am active. Even though I am exhausted much of the time, I rarely nap or lounge on the couch watching TV. I have four children and I also work full time. So, that means lots of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taxi-ing the boys. So I won't say that I am sedentary either. As far as diet goes, I could be worse. I don't eat sweets or desserts often and I try to stick to whole grain or wheat grains only. I do eat at least two or three pieces of fruit everyday. But I am tired all the time, which leads to convenient and not smart choices for breakfast and lunch sometimes. I know this, but again, I could be a lot worse. So, how on earth am I gaining weight so fast? I know my thyroid is gone and it is probably to blame but that doesn't make me feel any better! I am now a wonderful size 18 and am heavier that I have ever been in my life (even more than while pregnant). How fun! I don't have a lot of money right now, but I cannot resist the urge to buy new clothes that fit. Clothes that don't strain when I try to zip. Clothes that might flatter my body more. I look for sales, but if it makes me more confident, I want it even if it is full price.
So, with this rapid weight gain, where is my motivation? I have NONE. If it is my lack of thyroid causing this, then what is the point of dragging my exhausted, busy body to the gym? Or finding the strength to resist fried foods or snacks around the office?
My lack of self-confidence effects nearly every facet of my life. I sometimes wish winter would have stayed longer so that I could wear baggy coats to cover me up when I go to my son's soccer games. I hate walking in front of people, even at church! I would rather sit in the last row, with a bad view and lots of distraction than letting my friends see my rear on the way toward the front. I hate walking around at work and wish I could just sit behind my desk, waiting on employees to come see me.
As Resurrection Sunday was just yesterday, this reflecting does nothing except make me feel guilty. MY JESUS was sent to earth by MY GOD to save me. To save me at 145 pounds or 300 pounds. What is wrong with this picture??? Why am I not feeling more grateful and blessed?